Friday, January 15, 2016

Why me?

I used to wake up, look at my self in the mirror, and with tear-filled eyes ask "Why me?" I hated the fact that my scars were a constant reminder to me of the pain I've had to experience; the trials I've had to endure. I didn't choose this! I didn't decide to have these continuous health problems! So God- why me? Why did this have to happen? Even as I sat down to write this, I was interrupted with having an unexpected surgery. But, there is a very distinct difference between the Gretchen who felt hatred when she looked in the mirror, and the Gretchen that is writing this today, and it came through an experience I had on my mission. 
Five months into my mission I ended up in the emergency room, with pain so unbearable that I would have rather died than experience that tormented pain for a moment longer. It was discovered that my intestines were rapidly failing and I'd need to start preparing for emergency surgery. More excruciating pain came as they put a tube down my nose, and I began to ask myself these same questions- Why me? Why did this have to happen? So many thoughts and feelings of anguish were circulating through my head. My nurses began to wheel me towards my operating room, when they had me wait in my hospital bed in a long empty hallway. I looked out the window and caught a glimpse of the Salt Lake City Temple. It held my attention longer than it ever had before. In a instant, all I felt was peace, warmth, hope and gratitude. I had every right in this moment to feel pain, upset and frustrated- but all I felt was peace. It was as though God was allowing me to experience what it feels like to turn to Him in times of anguish, trouble, mistake, or whatever it may be. I'm definitely not perfect in my faith in Him- but now, when I look in the mirror, instead of seeing scars, I see God's love. It is, for me, the times where I've felt the greatest pain and anguish where I have also felt the greatest of God's love. God's love is real, and it is readily available to all- no exceptions. In each of our pursuit of holiness, it is essential that we feel and recognize God's love, the question is- what are you doing to recognize it?




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