Why me?

I used to wake up, look at my self in the mirror, and with tear-filled eyes ask "Why me?" I hated the fact that my scars were a constant reminder to me of the pain I've had to experience; the trials I've had to endure. I didn't choose this! I didn't decide to have these continuous health problems! So God- why me? Why did this have to happen? Even as I sat down to write this, I was interrupted with having an unexpected surgery. But, there is a very distinct difference between the Gretchen who felt hatred when she looked in the mirror, and the Gretchen that is writing this today, and it came through an experience I had on my mission. 

Five months into my mission I ended up in the emergency room, with pain so unbearable that I would have rather died than experience that tormented pain for a moment longer. It was discovered that my intestines were rapidly failing and I'd need to start preparing for emergency surgery. More excruciating pain came as they put a tube down my nose, and I began to ask myself these same questions- Why me? Why did this have to happen? So many thoughts and feelings of anguish were circulating through my head. My nurses began to wheel me towards my operating room, when they had me wait in my hospital bed in a long empty hallway. I looked out the window and caught a glimpse of the Salt Lake City Temple. It held my attention longer than it ever had before. In a instant, all I felt was peace, warmth, hope and gratitude. I had every right in this moment to feel pain, upset and frustrated- but all I felt was peace. It was as though God was allowing me to experience what it feels like to turn to Him in times of anguish, trouble, mistake, or whatever it may be. I'm definitely not perfect in my faith in Him- but now, when I look in the mirror, instead of seeing scars, I see God's love. It is, for me, the times where I've felt the greatest pain and anguish where I have also felt the greatest of God's love. God's love is real, and it is readily available to all- no exceptions. In each of our pursuit of holiness, it is essential that we feel and recognize God's love, the question is- what are you doing to recognize it?

But If Not

Favorite scriptures. We all have them. Our favorites that lay out doctrines so simply it's impossible to misunderstand, or those that have helped lead us to the faith and hope to be healed, or perhaps it simply is the most pertinent to your life. Regardless of the reasoning for your connection with it, the importance is that you have one.

I have many favorite scriptures, but my chapter of choice is Daniel 3. It has time and time again been a strength to me and a resource to rediscover my faith and hope in Christ. The chapter highlights many different principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It begins with Shadrach, Meshach and Abend-nego refusing to bow down and worship a golden image set up by king Nebuchadnezzar. What we're already learning is that we have truly lost the art of creativity and uniqueness when naming our children. But as you can imagine, king Nebuchadnezzar was furious! He went on to tell them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. "And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?" (Dan.3:15) The three young men quickly and confidently responded, "If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not.... we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."(Dan.3:17-18). That is a statement of true faith.

Many of us have or understand the faith in Christ that enables blessings to happen- but what about sustaining faith if the desired blessings do not happen? Do we have but if not faith? This is the question I would like us to consider today.

My but if not faith was put to the test this week. As I was considering my life- I was frustrated by the lack of personal revelation I have been receiving recently. I felt as though I was doing everything I could to enable the flow of revelation; praying fervently, reading my scriptures daily, living the doctrines&principles of the Gospel, going to the Temple regularly, etc. and yet there was nothing coming. I was frustrated. I was confused. And mostly I was lacking faith. It wasn't until the Lord's hand mercifully reached out to me through the testimony of an inspired missionary that I was able to recognize the lack of faith and confidence I was exhibiting in the Lord. Sometimes we lose sight. Sometimes we miss the mark. And sometimes we are blinded by the natural man inside each of us. But the grace of God and the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows us to move forward, and consider how but if not faith would look like in our lives. As we each turn our lives more closely in line with the will of the Savior, and have faith regardless of our situation, we won't need to wonder- because we will be full of confidence in the Lord, just as Shadrach, Meshach and Abend-nego did.

Our Sacred Grove Experience

"'If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.' (James 1:5). 

This scripture led the young boy, Joseph Smith, to his sacred grove experience. An experience that would transform his life, and reach farther than he could have ever imagined. Because of that one decision to heed the counsel found in the scriptures, I sit here today writing this post about finding our own sacred grove experience. For some of us, it may be found in the scriptures, on our knees, or in the calming reverence during the sacrament. For others it could be found in a low place, in the need of repentance, or in the solemnity of the loss of a loved one. It could be a single profound experience, or seemingly smaller events that bring us to the desired result. But regardless of how we come to it, we must know and have the hope that we can get there. We each can have our own sacred grove experience because we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and wants to guide us to happiness and truth.

These sacred grove experiences are the anchors in our faith. They have helped me in times of trouble to persevere, to keep pressing forward, because I know that those experiences are undeniable. Earlier in life, when I struggled with certain points of my faith I would turn back to one specific experience in my life. I refer to this as my sacred grove experience. It was just the beginning of many actions that would bring me to the faith I only dreamed of at the time. One event in particular was unsurprisingly while I was on my flight home from my mission. I had always imagined sitting next to someone on the plane who was thrusting after the gospel; I can just imagine it, the whole flight we would discuss the Gospel and as we landed I would invite them to get baptized! But, that did not happen. Not even close. As I got to my seat and was surveillancng around to my fellow passengers, I noticed that everyone took one glance, and decided they needed to quickly fall asleep. So I huffed into my seat and dug my scriptures out of my bag. I opened up to a familiar chapter and began reading. The impressions and spirit I felt were out of this world. The commotion and combustion of the plane seemed to be stilled and silenced as I was engulfed in this chapter. The connection between God and I had never been so linear as it was in that moment. And now, that chapter became my sacred grove scripture. Daniel 3 will forever hold a special and sacred spot in my heart. 

Yet for me, the sweetest experience was not in finding my own sacred grove experience, but being apart of another's. I visited my mission at Temple Square this weekend and was able to contact some guests with another sister. It was an amazing feeling to be back at it! But afterwards, the sister and I were chatting and she expressed to me what role I have played in her mission by simply one piece of advice I had given to her. Every moment and interaction we have with another is an opportunity to be part of another's life changing experiences. What are you doing now to strengthen another? What are you learning or experiencing that can help your brothers and sisters? It is my hope and prayer that when we are able, we are looking beyond ourselves to elevate our Father's beloved children, because I know there are far greater things to gain than our own desires. 

Trials are a means to Perfection

Trials. We all have them, regardless of our age, ethnicity, education, spirituality, etc. For some of us, it drags us down. We feel alone, inadequate, and at a loss of hope. And I believe that it is natural to feel this way at times, but I hope that there are more times that we are able to look forward with an eternal perspective and recognize, maybe not all at once, how this challenge we are facing is going to help us to get one step closer to what we are intended to become; extraordinary.
Today at church, it was fast and testimony meeting, which simply means that anyone in the congregation can get up to the pulpit and bear their testimony. I felt the churning of the spirit in the pit of my belly, and I marched with a smile to the stand. I just love bearing my testimony! It was my hope to get across two points about trials; first, our trials are what help us to become perfected. If you've ever gone swimming with me, you'll see that I have many physical scars. I've had plenty of health challenges growing up that resulted in countless surgeries. And so as a young girl, I've always looked forward to the day that I would be resurrected and my body would become perfected. But as I have gotten older, and gained a greater understanding about the Gospel, I realized that even when Christ was resurrected, he still had the scars in His hands from when we was crucified. He still had His scars, yet His body was perfected. Now I'm not a hundred percent sure what will happen to my scars when I'm resurrected, but I sure hope that they are still there. Because behind each scar, whether physical, mental, emotional, or any other type of scar, is a story or experience that helped us to become who we are today. And I am beyond grateful for my scars, because they have not only been of a strength to me, but to those I have been able to share my experiences with. Which brings me to my second point, we do not face challenges so that we can learn how to overcome them and improve ourselves, but so that we can help others overcome them and come closer to Christ. Now this may seem contradictory to what I just said about helping us to become perfected, but stay with me. The reason we go through them is to help others, but one result is the process of our perfection. Christ is the perfect example of this, His whole life was an illustration of selflessly overcoming trials. He didn't suffer in the Garden so that He could be better, but so that we could. He didn't carry His cross so that He could be stronger, but so that we'd know how to carry ours. He didn't die on the cross so that He could return to Heavenly Father, but so that we could. He is honestly the perfect example to follow in ALL things, nothing excluded. Having this knowledge and striving for it will give us greater strength and hope to overcome the trials and challenges that we face everyday, because we are living for a greater purpose than ourselves. It drives us. Gives us hope. And ultimately, perfects us.